On
October 31st, 2010, my best friend Jason Ryan Schippers a.k.a. Fish
passed away due to surgery complications. It’s been difficult to come to terms
with this, but on the 2nd anniversary of the events, I wanted to let
my thoughts and emotions out via this blog. Each posting will coincide with an
occurrence from that date two years ago. This is not going to be easy to write,
post or read. This is my view and emotions from this. I don’t know what this
will accomplish, but telling this story is something I feel compelled to do.
Part IV: The Visitation
I
worked a half day on Friday, November 5th. I knew that I needed to
try and mentally prepare for what I was about to see and face later that
evening. I drove home listening to music that no one could imagine speaking to
me, Taylor Swift. That was probably the first laugh you’ve had reading this
series, but honestly, that album had songs that spoke to me while I was
suffering. Between her and Stone Sour, I had a soundtrack of sorts leading me
through certain situations. (Coincidentally both Stone Sour and Taylor Swift
released albums last week.) Believe me; it’s better than listening to the
Murderdolls, which I had been doing non-stop for about two weeks prior. Let’s
move on.
I
got home and started pacing around my house. I was alone with music playing softly
in the background. I didn’t know what to expect. I was about to face a litany
of things that I wasn’t sure I could. I was going to confront one of my biggest
fears…death. I would have to face Jason’s family, who knew how close we had
once been but I treated their son poorly for the last year. I have a ton of
love and respect for his parents, Marla and Ralph, and I was worried my
presence would be an unwelcome distraction in a situation that was already bad
enough. I was also going to stare my biggest regret in the face, and know I
could do nothing to fix it. I didn’t know how I would react, physically and
emotionally.
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| Jamel, Jason and I |
Rachel,
Marshall and I headed to the funeral home a little after 4:30 that day. I don’t
recall saying much on the way but my pulse was racing as we inched closer. When
we parked the car and got out, the first people I saw in the parking lot were
Jamel’s parents. It was good to see them and they were happy to meet Marshall.
We all walked in together and got into, what had already developed into a huge
line. I was blown away by how many people were already there, and would
continue to be as more and more arrived. Being in line with a one year old can
be a challenge, which only complicates the anxiety that was building up in me.
There was a fountain in the lobby area with fish (I noticed that immediately)
swimming in. As Marshall noticed this,
he ran over to look in. As I followed, I
glanced in to the room that was in the distance to see Jason in his casket. I
almost ran. I was overcome momentarily by sadness, fear, anxiety and guilt. I
turned to Rachel and said, “He’s in there.” I don’t think she, nor anyone else
around me, noticed how tumultuous I was inside but I felt like I was about to
explode. I handed Marshall off to Rachel and excused myself to the restroom. I
just needed a minute to compose myself. It took a little bit but I took some
time to breathe, splash water on my face and get composed as best I could. I
still had not cried throughout this entire week, fighting it off at every turn
but I didn’t know how much longer it would last. When I returned, I noticed
some people smiling a bit as they were leaving. Wondering internally about
their smile, I looked over to see my son pushing the handicap button on the
door to open for people leaving. While so much pain and sorrow was in the air,
for just a moment, people were captured by this little boy helping them out. He
didn’t realize what he was doing, he’s just having fun and being polite opening
a door, but he gave people a moment to smile and exhale. I could not have been
more proud of him at that moment.
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| Marshall was an angel for me during everything |
As
we reached the front of line, my emotions were racing. There was a table with a
guestbook, adorned with a classic picture of Jason taken by Rachel. I now have
an 8 x 10 of this framed in our house. At the front of the line greeting people
before entering the room was Angie and her husband Jon. I was so amazed at how
well she was keeping herself together, maybe just numb from hearing the same
things over and over or maybe just not allowing everything to fully sink in. I
don’t know, but it was amazing. That is, until I walked up there. The moment
she saw me, we dove right in to a massive hug while she cried. I withheld tears
because I wanted her to be weak, for just a minute, and let out some of what
was held in. Seeing her sad, Marshall started to cry to which she smiled a bit
and gave him a big hug. We talked briefly before moving into the room where
Marla and Ralph were waiting to greet everyone. The room had about 10 rows of
chairs that a few small groups had congregated to sharing stories. Next to
Ralph was a television scrolling through pictures as music played in the
background. Marla could not have been more welcoming to me, which was a worry
of mine. I think that despite all Jason and I had been through, she knew the
core and root of our friendship. It was pure, genuine and so filled with love
that this minor blip would not be the lasting legacy of us. She told me how he
always spoke in such regard of me and how he always considered me a
friend/brother. It didn’t hit me like it would later, but she was comforting
me. Her comfort would also come the next day, which I’ll delve into later, but
is one of the most amazing moments I can recall from this entire time. We stood
and chatted with them both, introducing Marshall and trying to put on a strong
exterior, all while the pain was around us. It was awkward with Marla and Ralph
at first, for me. I believed in my heart that I should have been there for him
and I wasn’t. I had abandoned him at a time of his life where he probably
needed me. I know he had great people around him, but our bond was tight. It
was the type of bond where nothing was off limits. I wanted to talk to them,
but just never knew what words to say. I almost didn’t feel worthy of the love
and support they gave to me. Read that again; the love and support they gave to
me. It was just so much for me to
take in. We still haven’t talked in depth about everything. I just didn’t know
how to say anything. I also didn’t want to burden them with the weight from my
shoulders. They were going through enough and I desperately didn’t want to add
to it. I know they knew I cared and would do anything to help.
It’s just that nothing I can do will ever take away their pain. They deserve to
have him here; we all do.
After a few brief minutes with them it was time to give
our respects to Jason. I was almost frozen in fear. I am terrified of death,
and truth be told, Jason was only the second body I had ever seen. That was the
least of my fears, though. I was about to confront the mistakes I had made over
the past year, all while reliving the great moments we shared over the years.
Rachel held Marshall so I could walk up to Jason alone. I had the eulogy/letter
tucked in my pocket, clutching it in my hand as I approached. I started to
shake uncontrollably, losing feeling in my legs and almost collapsed right in
front of him. I completely broke down the closer I got. Every tear that I had
held in up to that point started rushing out of me and, right before collapsing
to the ground Jamel’s Mom ran in to hold me up. I don’t know how she got there
so fast, maybe she saw me start breaking with every step I inched closer, but
she completely held me as I shattered in a rush of emotion I had never felt. I
ended up mailing her a thank you card a week after. She held me up in my
weakest moment and I could not have been more appreciative of that.
Up to that point I just didn’t believe it. I hadn’t seen him in a year or so. In my
mind, he was still in Denver and we just hadn’t talked. He wasn’t really gone.
When I saw him lying there, Superman t-shirt and Green Lantern ring on, it all
hit me. I would never have the chance to not only make up, but to have any more
amazing memories. Marshall would never get the pleasure of knowing Jason, and
vice versa. It was just too much at that moment.
After a few moments being held together, I finally
regained my strength and stood on my own power. Rachel gave me Marshall while
she paid her respects. I will never forget the next few moments I shared with
my son. As I held my little buddy, as I call him, he was looking over at Jason.
He was only a touch over one so he had no idea what was going on. In an effort
to not expose him to this type of sadness at such a young age, we had the following
interaction:
“That’s Jason. He’s
sleeping.”
Marshall, extending his
hand and waving said “Night, night.”
It’s a something I couldn’t have anticipated. Marshall,
in his infinite sweetness just gave me the most touching yet heartbreaking
moment of my life. In a total moment of weakness and vulnerability, Marshall
saying something so simple helped me. While I will always have a hard time
saying goodbye, that moment symbolized the ending of one level of my friendship
with Jason and opened up a new one. I knew, deep inside, that a change was
occurring within me. It kicked off a lot of introspection and soul searching,
things that I really needed at that time. Together, Jason and Marshall gave me
the power to change for the better.
 |
| Jason and a great group of guys |
I stood outside the room, always within eyesight of
Jason, and talked with friends. I got the feeling that the eulogy/letter needed
to be given to Jason. I didn’t know the etiquette of putting something in a
casket, so I just held on to it alone. Rachel, allowing me to do whatever I
felt I needed to do, tended to Marshall. I decided that I needed to find Erika,
Jason’s new girlfriend, who I had been e-mailing on Facebook. She had been so
warm and helpful during a time of mass sadness and confusion. The moment I
introduced myself she gave me a huge hug and we started talking like we had
known each other for years. In that brief moment, I could see how great her and
Jason were together. We went up to him together while talking about anything
that came to mind. She helped me with the letter and then we parted for a bit.
Despite my fear of death, I sat at the very front of the funeral home as close
to Jason as I could. I just couldn’t pull myself away from him. I wanted to be
in his presence, knowing I didn’t want him to be gone.
By this time the visitation had ended and people were
just standing around talking. There was a group of friends heading to get some
dinner downtown. Rachel decided to take Marshall home so that I could spend
time with my friends, which I completely appreciated. She really supported me
in every way during this. Believe me, I wasn’t the most open about everything
and she probably was confused some days, but never did she lash out. I think
she always understood I had a lot of things to deal with. It’s one of the
reasons I love her more each day; she knows how to deal with my unpredictable
ways and moods and that’s not easy.
I went out to dinner with a large group and just enjoyed
the company, all of whom were sharing great Jason stories. I didn’t talk much,
more enjoying the happiness he brought others but also beating myself up
internally. I had a difficult time balancing everything in my head, the good
and the bad. I was focusing on the negative far more than the positive at this
point. I got a ride from my friend Dickey, who is really similar to me in that
we don’t talk about our feelings much. The funny thing is, the more him and I
drink, the more we’re open to stuff like that. We’ve had some really deep
talks, but after many a drink had been consumed. Guys just aren’t good with
feelings and emotions. He dropped me off at home and as he drove away, I went
inside and sat on the stairs. I knew that this day was the worst I had ever had
in my life. I didn’t know what tomorrow held, but I knew the funeral would be
brutal. I walked upstairs and watched Marshall sleep for a time. I needed his
positive sweetness at that moment or I would have lost it again.
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