How Love, Friends, Slipknot and The Rock Helped Get Me Through Divorce

How Love, Friends, Slipknot and The Rock Helped Get Me Through Divorce

Life can be crazy and unexpected.  The last year has taught me to expect that, as well as shown me that you never know how people will act and react in situations.  I’m a man of many words, probably too many, but it’s always better to speak for yourself instead of using the thoughts and words of others.  So…

As anyone likely reading this, you are fully aware of my decision to divorce Rachel after 11 years of marriage.  It came as a shock to most, with very few seeing this outcome happening.  I have no intention to rehash the story, nor provide any personal details.  At this point, you’ve likely heard some parts of the story.  Whether you heard the truths, accusations, inaccuracies and theories; it doesn’t really matter at this point.  People have made up their minds.  They’ve chosen their side or have tried to stay impartial.  I’ve encouraged everyone I spoke with to stay impartial, as what happened in my relationship should not have any effect on them or their relationships with either of us.  Not every situation between people needs to have a good guy and a bad guy, but it seems to be something that happens any way.  Some people need the good vs bad dynamic and will pick and choose anything in a story to generate that dynamic.  My entire goal, as naïve as it turned out to be, was to amicably move on to the next phase of life.  I have maintained my stance that negative comments about the other isn’t helpful to anyone, and I will continue with this.  If you came to hear me rant, which I am good at, you’re reading the wrong blog.  Negativity begets negativity and I’m going to continue my positive mindset.

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and ex-wife Dany Garcia

I did a lot of thinking, research and soul searching during the months of turmoil leading to my decision.  I leaned on people who have been through this, who just finished going through it, who are going through it and others who just lent me an ear in times of need.  Not surprisingly, to anyone who knows me, I looked to The Rock for inspiration.  Yes, as a 41 year old man, I understand how ridiculous it sounds but hear me out.  After 10 years of marriage, The Rock divorced his wife.  Instead of the traditional Hollywood divorce filled with hostility and bitterness, they moved their relationship to a very positive place.  They work together to raise their daughter.  Their relationship maintained such positivity that Dany, his ex-wife, is his business manager and runs his production company.  They found a way to take a negative and turn it into an absolute positive.  I’m sure there were trials and tribulations.  No one outside ever knows the full story of another, but their public front and continued relationship gives people going through divorce a positive role model.  They show that the almost impossible seems attainable.

All this gave me confidence and hope that divorce can be handled in such a way that everyone realizes we can move on and be better people; mainly better parents to Marshall.  At the end of the day, that’s the most important thing to me.  I didn’t want him to see a relationship like what mine and Rachel’s had dissolved into and think that was healthy or how a relationship should be.  His knowledge of everything is very limited (at least I believe it is, as I haven’t brought up the negative with him) and I will never speak ill of Rachel to him.  However, as he witnessed two people who grew so far apart that barely a word was spoken, he picked up on the chasm that had grown in his home.  This was no way to live, and especially not a way to raise a wonderful child.  Some look at my decision as the opposite of positive for Marshall, but I contend that it will be best in the long run.  If everyone can move on, learn and grow from this, how can this be bad?  So many focus on the short term without thinking about how this can benefit everyone in the long run.  There will be times of challenge, but there is in everything.  Supporting him in every way is how he will thrive through tough times. Nothing worth having is easy to attain and the struggle makes us stronger.

I’ve always had a “Me against the world” mentality, and there were many times during this divorce process that I felt that.  You lose relationships that have been cultivated for many years.  You see suspicions that you’ve always had, come into focus and make you realize that they were true.  The fakeness of some melts away to reveal their true colors.  That really messed with me some days, but amidst all of that, I saw the true colors of supportive friends.  That’s where I shifted my focus.  I learned something pretty mind-blowing; it’s never been me against the world.  I have far more love and support than I could have ever imagined.  There has always been a chip on my shoulder with some people, and I found out it was there for good reason, but those chips are gone.  Not just because they have faded into the background or completely gone away, but because those who love and support me…they lifted away those chips for me.  The negativity towards me for superficial reasons are no longer present in my life and, as I re-acclimate who I am, there’s a beautiful optimism.  I’ve once again found my happiness and thriving as a father and friend to those in my life.

Believe me, there were times over the last few months where I was down…really down.  You’re frustrated.  You’re sad.  You’re questioning.  You just don’t know what’s going to happen next.  In one of those down moments, I had a chance encounter with one of the founders of the iconic rock band Slipknot, M. Shawn Crahan…aka Clown.  Anyone who knows me knows that this band and their music has been an instrumental (no pun intended) in my adult life.  I walked into Home Depot and the guy in front of me had a Slipknot logo tattooed on his calf.  Given that I have one on my neck, I always smile when I see someone else with one.  So I walked through the store, grabbed a few things I needed and went to check out.  As I walked out, I caught a front glimpse of the gentleman with the ‘Knot tattoo and realize that it was Clown!  We caught eyes and he clearly figured out that I knew who he was.

“Hey, what’s up man?” Shawn said.

“I’m sorry, but are you Shawn Crahan?” I responded.

“Yes.  Good to meet you.  What’s your name?”

M Shawn Crahan aka Clown from Slipknot

So we continue talking for a few minutes, with his wife standing nearby.  As he asked me how things were with me, I blurted out that they have carried me through some tough times and I’m going through a divorce right now, so they’re in heavy rotation.  I asked for a quick pic, to which he gladly did, even suggesting we go outside by the brick for a better shot.  We shook hands, parted, but as he walked away, he turned around and said, “Ryan, keep your head up.”  It was such a simple gesture, but in that moment, meant everything in the world to me.  As I fight through tough moments, I oftentimes think back to that moment and just remember the sincerity and message he left me with.  Keep your head up.

I understand that there will be some who believe what they want to.  They’ll look at me sideways and talk behind my back.  Guess what?  That’s okay.  Those people aren’t relevant to how I live my day to day life.  Even those who love and support me no matter what can question my decisions, and I’m cool with that, because I know they are pure to me.  They called, texted, e-mailed or took me out to have a conversation.  They gave me strength and a shoulder to cry on.  They appreciate and understand the decisions I have made.  While they may not agree or fully comprehend everything, they’re still there to support me.  I understand that people will think I’ve moved on too quickly, that I shouldn’t already be with someone.  To those people I simply say this; we all live different lives.  Focus on what works for you and your happiness.  I’ll continue working on mine and what I truly feel is best for me and Marshall to thrive and be happy.

We’re in the home stretch of the divorce process.  Very few hurdles remain and then the new normal of life takes over.  To those who have been with me throughout this; I will never be able to thank you enough or show you enough appreciation for being there during everything.  To those who chose to view me as the “bad guy”; I hold no ill will towards you.  Love me or hate me…I’m just happy to be me.